'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'
-- Clarence Darrow

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.'
-- William Faulkner
(about Ernest Hemingway)

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.'
-- Groucho Marx

'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.'
-- Mark Twain

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'
-- Oscar Wilde

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...If you have one.'
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by Churchill's
response:
'Canno t possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.'
-- Winston Churchill

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.'
-- Stephen Bishop

'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'
-- John Bright

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.'
-- Irvin S. Cobb

'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.'
-- Samuel Johnson

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.'
-- Paul Keating

'He had delusions of adequacy.'
-- Walter Kerr

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?'
-- Mark Twain

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
-- Mae West

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'
-- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, 'Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!' Winston replied, 'Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!'

January 2008 :: New York, NY

The population of the planet Earth has had statisticians and other officials concerned about the future. The planet being only so big, there are finite resources available to feed everyone. The reason that overpopulation has eluded scientists and government officials for years is because of their lack of hands-on details and information about how this situation was caused in the first place, so the U.S. government has funded a program called "Operation Stick Man", where 12 highly trained operatives are introduced into society in random states in the union, and monitor society in general.

On two separate instances, members of the team found evidence that in summary, shows that when people have sex (especially when they are of opposite genders) there is a risk that one of them will get pregnant, and in a mere matter of months, will produce another child, therefore making the population equal to n + 1, as Chief Analyst Dr. Wee Fookem Yung professes.

"We monitored this couple for weeks, and at night, noticed that the lights went off timely, at 10:00PM. Then there were squeals, moans, and at one point what we thought was a dog yelping, and this went on for weeks at a time. This, followed by this same couple glowing, holding hands more, arguing less, and purchasing a large number of infant-peculiar paraphernalia, such as bottles, diapers, and some furniture items, such as a crib, a changing table, and strangely enough, a Golden Retriever puppy. We didn't know what to make of this, but one of our agents pulled from another site noticed that the female was gaining an extraordinary amount of weight, which seemed to focus on her middle region. We presumed that all of those nightime activities and strange sounds were really a cover for the couple having sex.

"It was at that point that we realized it was a planned pregnancy, and she was indeed pregnant. We instantly notified the Census Bureau, and asked for their input. They then informed us that they were part time employees, and were not on call except for once every 10 years. So, naturally, we were at a loss as to what to do."

Since, the team has notified the U.S. Surgeon General's office, and it has become official. Documented evidence prooves that sex causes human conception and later births, and exponentially, this is happening all over the world. The U.N. has dispatched a team of it's own to monitor other cities around the world for this signifant turn of events.

Due to a rash of deadly shark attacks in both West Coast waters as well as Gulf of Mexico waters, the Coasteau Society and the Water Hole Aquatic Institute have issued warnings to surfers that they can no longer ignore what the shark sees and feels.

We were given a fantastic look into the shark's mind by Senior Shark Biologist Helmut Benchley:

"The shark has poor vision, generally - or at least most species of shark do. So the level of distinction that they have with sight is limited to that of contrasts and blends. If you hold up a fat seal on the surface of the water, and a surfer with their arms and legs dangling from their surfboard... in the shark's mind - there are two seals there. It's just unfair for us humans to crash into their habitat, and expect them to make provisions for us. "

Both the Society and the Institute recommend that surfers use slimmer surfboards, and keep their arms and legs on top of the surfboard so that sharks can not see them. This distorts the shark's vision so that they go after the actual seal, and also makes it more difficult for the shark to grab your limbs while afloat.

January 2008 :: Los Angeles, CA

The star of the newer daytime sensation TV series 'Zoey 102' has officially tested positive for presence of the human virus.

Although the actress has not made an official announcement, unnamed sources close to the family had come forth and explained the neat turn of events resulting in the teen's recent mid-body growth:

"She had grown close to "Mr. J" has she calls him, in the last few months, and had begun to spend more and more time with the pop music sensation. Before we knew it, she was spending nights there at his newer 'facility', as he calls it.

"She at first did not divulge who the father was, but we knew. We were at first concerned about what the public would think, but we also have to let her live her life, her way. We're her friends, and we would never tell her to 'beat it', and nor would Mr. J. say 'the kid is not my son'.

December 2008 :: Wilmington, DE

Local blood bank shortages in the region have been blamed on many other phenomena, but it was not until recently that the truth has come to light.

Shirley Suzanne of the Wilmington Plasma Compendium - "We hired private investigators in the last quarter, and their findings were disturbing."

Captured film footage shows leading local company CEOs such Frank D'Phlebio of DuPlont, Inc., and many other non-corporates, such as Count Dracula, Blackula, Vlad Tepes, and other lesser-known celebrity neck-biters - sneaking into a supposedly locked and secure entrance into the bank.

Ordinarily these bloodsuckers feed on their employees or victims in public spaces after hours, such as laundromats, employee breakrooms, and even conference rooms. Often, in periods of economic slowdowns, their normal prey become rarer, due to layoffs, massacres, public disasters, etc. So, the blood bank has become their second source of primary sustenance.